Alexia's Views

How Do You Deal With Conflict? 4 Techniques to Try Today

Conflict takes so many forms. It can be a personal conflict with a loved one, a difference in opinions in the office, as arguments between parents and children fighting, or between businesses and customers. Differences are rampant, but it's what we do with them that will make the difference between success and failure. A long time ago I published a post inspired by my mentor, Rhonda Shasteen, called "Are You Comfortable With Conflict?" My mentor's advice to me was to choose to get comfortable with it now because it is everywhere, and you need to deal with it. Have a good attitude and approach your conflict.

 

Do You Prefer Texting or Calling?

How many times do you text message a day? Do you prefer to text or call? Do you like to Skype or talk over coffee or dinner? I remember the days before text messaging, and I also remember the days before unlimited text messaging. Everyone talked on a land line or hogged roll over cell phone minutes. May be I’m old now, or maybe I remember a more pure way of doing things.

Texting offers so many benefits and conveniences. It is quick, simple, and gets to the point. You can read in places that are too loud to hear, and you can take time to think about what you are saying before you actually communicate it. There are many benefits to texting; however, it seems that actually talking to another person is becoming a lost art.

Have an Attitude of Gratitude. 4 Keys to Maintaining a Good Attitude

Attitude. It determines so much of how we approach life and other people. What is your attitude? I'm sure it changes based on your circumstances and environment. Some people bring out a particular attitude in you of generosity or even frustration.

When I think about attitude, I try to take an approach of being others-centered, operative word being TRY. It's not always easy, particularly if you're with a person who really challenges you. Most of the times it's pretty easy to have a good attitude. You may have a rough day from time to time, but overall things flow routinely.

I'm thinking about those times when things don't go as expected and people's reactions and responses don't happen as you anticipated. Why did that person get angry or offended? Why did I get angry or offended? How do I maintain an attitude of gratitude when things are challenging?

When those things happen. I find it best to follow a short process to evaluate your attitude and determine if you need to adjust it. Generally I find I do.

Step 1. Understand your emotions. This often times means stepping away from a situation. If you have someone you trust around, talk to him or her about what happened. Journal or find another way to get what you're thinking and feeling out.

Step 2. Be grateful. Be thankful for a situation that's challenging because it will only help you to know yourself and other personalities better in the end. Most conflicts come through dealing with other people and the relationships in your life, so the better you understand others, the better you can cope with and manage the mixture of personalities around you.

Step 3. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. I know you don't want to see things from their perspective, but force yourself to put yourself in their mind for a couple of minutes. Imagine dealing with you from the other person's point of view. What expectations do they have? What are their goals?

Step 4. Adjust your attitude accordingly. This may mean reevaluating and adjusting your approach and communication style. It may mean you need to apologize. It may mean you step away from that relationship for a while. Whatever it is for you, be sure you think things through in every way.

If you make the effort to adjust your attitude and approach, you should find better success. It takes making a decision and some humility to go through this process, but it won't hurt you for trying. Practice choosing to love. You can!

How Well Do You Keep Your Word?

"Be true to your work, your word, and your friend."

Henry David Thoreau

At the core of a person’s integrity is his or her ability to keep their word. Maybe I was raised differently from most, but I was brought up to honor what I’ve committed to someone else.

Communication is Key

"Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut."

~ Elizabeth Elliott

This quote got me thinking. In a world where communication seems to suffer so much, how could keeping your mouth shut be such an asset? In my book, Views from the 13th Floor: Conversations with My Mentor, I tout the value of over-communication. When It comes to business and certain relationships, this is absolutely true. People don't ever say I had too much information.

Conversely, when it comes to the thoughts racing through your head at any given moment, it is often a good idea to keep them there. Don't say everything you're thinking as you're thinking it. Being heard will often create more problems than sitting with your feelings for a while before expressing them. "Think before you speak," is the line that parents share with their children before they go telling everything they hear at home.

For example, talking too much while you're emotional is generally not a good idea. Airing the family laundry is also unwise. Telling every feeling you have to someone you butt heads with or that new crush sitting next to you in a classroom is probably not too smart.

Sharing everything in your head does not guarantee a positive reaction. If you absolutely must get something off your chest, I recommend journaling. The power of journaling can be an amazing release and window into your subconscious. I find my journal to be my best friend at times because it listens without interrupting or judging me.

So, when it comes to the left-brain thinking around planning and logistics, I'd say err on the side of over-communication, and when it comes to the more emotional, dream oriented right-brain thinking, I'd say aim for reservation. Keep your mouth shut and live with your thoughts for a long time before speaking if you do at all. You can! 

 

 

Marriage Tips from My Mom: Don't let things fester

When you live with another person, it's only natural that the other person's behavior can work on your nerves a little...or a lot. Although you can't change a person's behavior, you can work together to let each other know things that are somewhat irritating, so hopefully the offender can make an effort to be considerate of their partner.

In effort to work on having a happy marriage or relationship, it's important to try to maintain an open dialogue about things so they don't build up and fester. My mom told me that you can try to be tolerant, but there's also a limit to tolerance. You may have to put up with something, but you can also communicate those things politely to the other person.

I think a very common irritating habit is leaving an empty milk carton in the refrigerator or filling up the trash and not emptying it. At those times you can politely say, "Honey, when the carton is left empty in the refrigerator, I don't know to pick up more milk. Could you please take it out and write milk onto the grocery list?" or some version that works for you and your honey.

The milk carton may be removed a few times but not all the time. You may even have to continue to remind your partner of it because leaving the carton is what comes naturally to the other person...for better or for worse.

Mom told me she has learned from experience not to let things fester and go unsaid. This also plays into my mentor, Rhonda Shasteen's, advice, which is to deal with conflict as soon as possible because it only gets worse when left with time. When you let things build up, they very likely blow up.

I think most of us have been in the blow up before to know it really is best if avoided. With a little bit of discipline and foresight to address the uncomfortable situation, you can choose to take my mom's advice to not let things fester. You can!

Enough is enough! What's the difference between patience and tolerance?

Do you ever get your feathers ruffled by things out side of your control? I know I sure do from time to time. Sometimes we are waiting for some kind of result of a test or an interview and with time the patience dwindles. We sit there on pins and needles checking email every five seconds and looking to make sure we didn't miss a phone call. Other times we are hoping for someone's behavior to change. Maybe your spouse is messy or never fills the gas tank in the car. We think, "When will he start taking out the trash or cleaning his dishes?" There are all kinds of behavioral things people do that irritate others that are completely out of our control.

After spending plenty of energy trying to affect outcomes of things that were out of my control, I finally decided to take my challenge to my mentor, Rhonda Shasteen, to see what she thought.

"What is the difference between patience and tolerance?" I asked her. It was something I'd been thinking about for a while, so I was pleasantly surprised when Rhonda just knew the answer as if it we as simple as adding two and two. As we addressed the question in my session, without stopping to ponder, she perked up in her chair and said that patience has to do with time and tolerance has to do with putting up with something.

When we have to be patient, we are waiting. We can be waiting for a result or for a situation to play out. We can be waiting for another person to process a challenging event or their emotions about an argument. Waiting can be a pain, but patience is something that can be practiced and learned. I know because I'm working on it and aim to continue growing patience for the rest of my life.

When we are putting up with something out of our control, we are tolerating it. When we hear about tolerance it tends to be in the context of cultural and religious tolerance. That is very important, but for this example, I'm referring to the tolerance in a relationship between two people. There is a limit to the amount undesirable behavior we can tolerate before we draw the line and address the situation. When it comes to tolerance, you may have to repeatedly reaccept the things you cannot change. I know I sure do with some things in my life I must tolerate. Upon deeper reflection, I figure I'd rather tolerate a person's behavior rather than not have them in my life at all even if I don't always feel that way for a few minutes out of the day.

Overall I am working on practicing both patience and tolerance and hope they increase over my lifetime. I invite you to join me in this journey because you can!

Marriage tips from my Mom: Never go to bed angry

My parents recently celebrated their 37th wedding anniversary, which is certainly an accomplishment in these days. I'm so proud of them and appreciate the example they've given to my brother and me. Over the years, my mom, has shared tips for a positive relationship. As I grow older, I see their eminent value and thought I'd share some of mom's wisdom with you.

The first tip is not to go to bed angry or upset or unresolved. This isn't new information for most of us, and there's ton's of articles out there about why this is a good rule to observe. Not only have I heard it, but I've also seen it in action. A natural part of relationships with friends and family is to have the occasional argument. People's feelings get hurt because we're imperfect, fallible human beings.

Any time my mom and I have had an argument; she will never rest until we've settled things out. Sometimes you just want to stay mad, and it's irritating to have to talk things out. However bothersome it is to your emotional state, not giving way to an emotional reaction over the long-term is the right thing to do.

Since I've seen my mother practice this my entire life, it's ingrained in me to practice it myself. I've never been so grateful to have her example in my life to help me have more positive relationships.

Go and talk about it because you can!

She Said, He Said!

Communication is key, is it not? How often do we experience communication misunderstandings in our relationships? We communicate poorly with friends, family, co-workers and significant others. You say something with a particular meaning, and the other person receives it with an entirely different meaning than you intended. Often, the misunderstood meaning is one that is confusing and offensive resulting in some sort of spat.

Parents seem to be great at doing this with their children, particularly their adult children. Siblings also have a well-developed skill at knowing just what to say and how to say something to set the other off. Maybe it's intentional in that instance.

The very opposite of saying something and being misunderstood, is saying nothing at all which is almost worse. Saying nothing leaves people to assume your position while you forfeit the opportunity to share your thoughts.

After having made many mistakes, I have tried to learn a few things that I'll share with you.

1. Seek to understand before being understood. When you are listening to someone, it is a good idea to repeat what you heard and ask, "Did I understand correctly?"  This is a hard habit to develop, as we are always ready and willing to jump in with our thoughts before fully understanding the situation. This communication technique is the fifth habit in Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

2. Over-communicate. Make the effort to say the things you think are easily understood as well as those things that are part of the unwritten conversation. You may think you are being silly by stating what is obvious to you, but it is not always obvious to the other person. Sometimes I will do this and the other person says, "I know that." to which I reply, "I am sure you did. I've learned to over communicate over the years, so please forgive my efforts to avoid a misunderstanding."

This may help circumvent arguments and scuffles, or it may help you communicate through disagreements to progress and recover at a more rapid pace. Whatever the situation, it's good practice and a skill that can continue to be developed over a lifetime.

Effective communication is a real goal to aspire towards in your personal and professional development. My mentor, Rhonda Shasteen, is a phenomenal communicator. She is polite, clear, crisp and diplomatic all at the same time. I have no doubt her communication skills are part of what attributed to her outrageous success at Mary Kay.

Go and try to be a better communicator because you can!

 

Do You Have a Personal Board of Directors?

I love my personal Board of Directors, that is the group of people in my inner circle of friends and family who I lean upon as sounding boards when making important decisions in my life. I know I can get
caught up in the vision of how things can be and neglect to see the reality of a situation. Other times I am having a hard time choosing which way to go? Sometimes I want to make a directional shift in a strategy I'm using to achieve personal goals.

Through all these tough decisions, I don't want to approach them with my head only, so I turn to my Board of Directors because two heads are definitely better than one I approach each one of them separately. I tell them the dilemma I am facing and what I propose to do. Then I ask for their insights. I ask, "Is there something I'm not considering when making this decision? Am I approaching this decision on solid ground, logically and realistically? What are the potential pitfalls of going this route?" 

After we discuss everything and considering potential outcomes.  Considering I can't control the outcomes of making certain decisions, I decide if I'm OK with the way things could turn out. If I am then I proceed. Mostly I love the affirmation and reassurance I get from my personal board particularly when making career decisions and need career guidance.

My personal Board of Directors consists of my parents, my brother, my mentor, Rhonda Shasteen, my boyfriend, and a couple of really close girlfriends with whom we bear our hearts and souls to each other. When I stop and consider the decisions they've helped me through, I am happy to think of some situations that were avoided as a result of talking to them. 

Do you have a personal board of directors? If not, please go talk to them. You know who they are, and they love you and want to see the best for you because you can!